She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
