Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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