So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
zippers are such a cool invention
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
