I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
