Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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