Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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