Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize