Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
