Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We got so high we made milksteak
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
