she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
