Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
