Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
