He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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