Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
