she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
