and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
