My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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