next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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