Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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