I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she peed on how many people?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
