If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize