genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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