Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
