I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's never too late to be topless.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
