when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I want to be your penis for a week.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
