she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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