i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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