Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
