You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
