I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize