my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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