The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
