my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
