The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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