Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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