I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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