Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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