What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
