I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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