I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
