You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
