if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
someone owes me an orgasm
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
