Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
