I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
