Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize