I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
