did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
