I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
