Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
