I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
