guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
