He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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