honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
