getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
