my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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