His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
