Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
